The silent heart ache with the promise of tomorrow

I visited India’s leading gynecologist, who had also delivered my first daughter. She looked at my reports and told me that while it was going to be tough, it was not impossible. The report, however, was not very positive given my age and the natural fertility decline that comes with it. She told me we would try naturally for three months, and if it did not work, we would move forward with IVF. That was something I had not even thought about at the time, but I felt optimistic. So, month after month, we tried. But with no results. That is when the reality hit me, I was in my 40’s, and it was not going to be as easy as I had thought.

I conceived in January 2022. The joy and excitement were indescribable. Inspite of several attempts in trying to conceive I was already so sure that this was going to happen that for Christmas 2021, we bought an extra stocking and put it up, instead of hanging three, we hung four! We were already picturing the addition to our family. In February 2022, at 41, I was officially pregnant again, and it felt just like it did when I was pregnant with my daughter. I did not think too much of it; my first pregnancy had been smooth, and I just assumed it would be the same this time around. We were gearing up to tell my parents when they visited for Holi. But for some reason, I hesitated. Something felt off, even though I could not quite explain it. Shortly after they left, I started bleeding and cramping, and in that moment, I knew. I rushed to the hospital, but deep down, I already understood what was happening, I was having a miscarriage. I was heartbroken. After a smooth first pregnancy, I never thought something like this could happen to me.

 That is when it really hit me, you never truly know until it happens to you.

In a million years, I would not have thought this would be my reality. After years of thinking it over, I had finally told my daughter, “Yes, you’re going to have a sibling,” and we were all so excited. We jumped in, fully expecting everything to go smoothly. But now, I did not even know how to explain this to her, even though we had not officially told her yet. Suddenly, it all became real, I had turned 40. Things were not going to be as simple as before. Fertility would be a question mark now, and my health would be more complicated. All these thoughts came flooding in, and I was just in disbelief.

How did I end up here? It felt like everything I had thought I knew was turned upside down in an instant.

But through all that pain, the mental anguish, the physical exhaustion, there was this voice inside me that said, “This isn’t the end, and this isn’t over yet.” Even after everything, I still held on to the hope that I could have another baby. The fear of going through a pregnancy in my 40's not knowing how it would turn out to be was coming true. But the universe had other plans for me. Surprisingly, I was stronger than I thought. I moved on quickly, part of me accepting that if it was meant to be, it would happen. But another part of me kept thinking, “This isn’t over yet.” What I was going to do next, I did not know at the time. 

But deep down, I was ready for whatever came my way.